In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

I want to remove Politics, and any Financial or Ethnic factor from this post.  So when you read this, just take it for what it’s worth.  That’s all I ask.

I’m not a religious person.  I don’t go to Church, and I don’t pray nightly.  I don’t know how many Saints there are, and I couldn’t recite one passage, even if you begged me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in a higher power.  That being said, I want to share with the world what’s burning through me tonight.

It’s no secret that there has been a devastating loss in Boston, MA this past week.  I know if you’re like me, your thoughts are glued to every report, status update, and every breaking news statement.  With both suspects taken off the streets, I know that the city that so many of us love, can start rebuilding.  I just wanted to send my thoughts over to them tonight.

I also want to share my prayers tonight.  I want to go a little deeper, because I honestly think it’s worth sharing.

I pray that victims and the loved ones of those that were lost due to this awful tragedy, find some small amount of justice after today.  I can’t imagine the pain and loss that these people are feeling.  My heart literally breaks a little more with each report.

I really pray that justice is served to this little punk who destroyed so many people’s lives, and that he gets what’s coming to him.  I hope they torture him slowly, painfully, and in the most violent way possible… and then let him live.  Live knowing what he did, seeing the victims faces, feeling like scum.  I hope that he gets his in the end.

But… more so, and maybe even a little deeper… I feel I need to pray for humanity.

I hope that the world knows of better days.  I hope that Americans… and well, no human for that matter, ever has to wake up to the sounds of SWAT teams, military men and women, or bombs exploding.  No one should ever have to live in that much fear.

I pray for the young, innocent children of today. I was speaking to a girl today at work, and she said something that really shocked me.  She said, “This day and age, it’s a bad time to have children.  They just can’t be safe anymore.” She’s right and that’s incredibly heartbreaking. So with that, I pray that children can be safety sent off to school, without parents worrying that their babies have been shot by some crazy, madman.  That children can safety play ball outside their house without being kidnapped or shot. It’s just sickening.

I pray that our future brightens.  The world has changed so much in the short time that I’ve been blessed to be alive.  Doors have to be locked, dead bolted, and alarms set.  Children can’t even walk to the mailbox without getting snatched off the street.  Dogs are violently beaten and used for sport. People are more weary of helping strangers, because in this day and age, you never know who someone might turn out to be.  A hitch hiker, might turn out to be a mass murder.  A principal, a drug dealer.  A doctor, a rapist.  Yes, that’s the kind of world we live in today.  And it’s disgusting.

I’m also going to take a second and be a little selfish and pray for myself.  I pray that I have the wisdom to learn from my mistakes.  I pray that I have the strength to overcome what ever life throws in my face.  I pray that I have the heart to love unconditionally; to forgive without holding a grudge.  That I have the courage to smile, when all I want to do is fall apart.  That I have the knowledge to change what I can. That I can be fearless, when others need me to be. That I can laugh and brighten up other’s days… even if it’s just for a moment.

I’m not a Saint.  I know that I have a lot of things in my life, that maybe I’m not proud of.  I am who I am though.  I’m just a woman, who has seen enough hurt, loss, and heartache to last her a lifetime.  Doesn’t anyone else ever think… enough is enough?

I wonder what it will take to make the world a better place.  With every act of gun violence, people are up in arms about gun control laws… and then a bomb explodes and people are screaming for justice.  It doesn’t have to be about politics.  For once, it could be just about what’s right, and what’s wrong.  It’s dead wrong for bombs to explode in the middle of our streets.  It’s dead wrong for a whole city to have to shut down, because one asshole decides he’s going to attempt to hide from the US Government.  Ha. We saw how that turned out… But at the same token, it’s dead wrong for the media to exploit victims, just so they have a story. It’s wrong for people to use pictures of victims, just so they can get a few “likes” on Facebook. In fact, I worry there’s more wrong in the world, than there is right. And THAT’S what bothers me most.

I can’t change the world.  I thought I could, but I’m learning the hard way that I can’t.  So rather than be a naïve little girl, I’m going to do the adult thing.  I’m going to accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world.  I’m accepting the fact that I only have control over me and my actions.  If I can be the best person that I can be, then I’ve already made a difference to the world. I’ve added more love, understanding, hope, dreams, courage, and wisdom to this world.

So to wrap it up, (I’m sorry, I bounced off topic again), my thoughts and prayers are extended to all of those grieving tonight.  My heart is broken and aching for you. Not just in Boston, but all throughout the world.  I can’t change the past, but the future is still up for grabs.  I may only be one person, but sometimes, all it takes is one person to make a difference.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA

Results Are In: You Are The Only Exception

I’ve had this song stuck in my head all day.  I have been walking around singing it to myself.  In my honest opinion, I think this song might just be one of the most beautiful love songs ever written.  The lyrics are so wonderful and truthful.  It’s like… everything is put out in the open.

When you love someone, it’s almost as if everything makes sense — yet nothing does.  Yes, think that over for a second.  Take me for instance.  I didn’t believe in love.  I honestly thought people who “fell in love” were — well for lack of a better phrase, full of shit.  Clouded by the delusion in which love had placed them. And the few that actually did enter a wonderful (as I call them) “hearts and flowers” relationship, were obvious smoking the crack pipe.  I used to loving tell my friends, “Oh just you wait. You’ll wake up. It doesn’t last.  Love is only found like that in the movies”

And then I fell head over heels — so unexpectedly.

In an instance, my world was flipped upside down.  My god, it was like I became a different person.  My stomach was constantly in butterflies.  I didn’t know how it was possible to want to always be around someone.  How, I could spend 72 hours straight with a boy and seriously miss him the second I walked to my car to go to work.  And then I was convinced it was puppy love.  It had to be.

Wrong again.

Puppy love lasts a max of two to three months.  That’s it.  Months later, I found myself still feeling the same way.  Love is the most ridiculously adorable feeling.  It makes you smile when nothing seems to go right.  It makes you believe you can be a better person.  And truthfully, it makes you change everything you’ve ever wanted.

You want to be a career woman?  Ha.  Fall in love and you’ll want to be a stay at home mother with four kids.  You want to be traveler and see the world and all it’s worth?  Fall in love and you’ll settle down in the suburbs, buying a house with a white picket fence and you’ll have a dog named Fido running around with your kids.

It’s a wonderful experience to fall so deeply.  And even though you risk your world falling apart at any given second, my advice is to go ahead and fall.  Fall as hard as you can.  The right person will catch you.

The right person will even fall with you.

Try And Catch Me Now

I never sing in public.  I mean that quite literally.  The only people who have every heard me sing (aside from my family) are my best friend, and my ex.  Aside from them, no one hears me sing.  Well, while here in the middle of Georgia, I was dragged onto base to go singing some Karaoke.  Upon arrival, I figured, what the hell.  You only live once and besides, I’ll probably never see 99% of these people again.

With shaky hands, I walked onto stage.  The spotlight dimmed and I didn’t hear a single sound in the audience.  It was like the world slipped away.  They say, go with what you know.  So I picked “White Horse” by Taylor Swift.  I don’t remember EVER being so in tune with a song before.  Not in the shower, not in the car, not even when I would hum low to myself at the gym.  And for some odd reason, the lyrics seemed to hit home for me.

I don’t know if it was subconscious speaking to me, or if it was the fact that for once, I didn’t have a cloudy mindset.  I took every single lyric to heart.  If it was anything to see, as it was to feel… I wouldn’t be surprised if it touched a few people too.  I sang every note, like I meant it.  Like I wrote the damn thing.  Like I was reading my diary out loud for the world to hear.  Because I felt it.  Because it meant something to me.  And maybe moreso, because I believed it.

As the song ended, I opened my eyes to my friends, family, and random strangers applauding, hooting, and hollering, and maybe even priding me a bit.  Whatever the hell I felt in that four minutes of that song, of being on that stage… it was the first time I felt it in a long time.  Hm… maybe it was — hope.

So with steady hands, I put the mic back into the holster, and walked back to my seat, with my head held high.  Tonight, I sang a total of three songs.  To be honest, the other two were just songs that didn’t mean much to me, I just sang them because I know the lyrics so well.  But the experience itself, no matter how small in the grand scheme of things, will always hold a place in my mind.

I come from a small town, and there’s a big world ahead of me.  I can be, say, or do anything I want.  I have the power to control my future.  My happiness lies in my hands.  I think that’s the most important thing I learned during my vacation — that I control my destiny.  Happiness is not tied or linked to people.  It’s within ourselves.  We can choose to share that happiness with others.  But no one can take that happiness from you, unless you let them.  Well, from now on, I’m going to start living my life how I want to.

I’m going to sing louder, smile brighter, and stop and smell the roses a little more.  Dance in the pouring rain — with a stranger, just because I can.  I’m going to tell people I love them more.  Buy myself a necklace, just because it matches my eyes.  Go canoeing with my best friend, get a pet turtle.  Buy a one way ticket to middle of nowhere, just to see how far I can go.  I’m going to strike up a random conversation with a stranger and make new friends.  Life is too short to be anything but happy. 

Related articles

• White Horse Lyrics (mademan.com)

Friends show their love in times of trouble, not in happiness.

*On New Years Eve at Christi’s*
(Me):  “I want to dance on the bar.”
(Dawn):  “YES!  Like real Coyote Ugly style!”

*Later on New Years Eve night*
(Christine):  “I have to pee, but I also want a cig.”
(Me):  “So decide which you want to do more first.”
(Christine):  “I can’t decide!”
(Me):  “So, do them at the same time!”

*While Out One Night After Work*
(Justin):  “So What Do You Do for a living?”
(Me):  “Well, I breathe, eat and digest food, drink plenty of water, hit the gym, and try to rest at least 4 to 6 hours a night.”
(Justin):  “You’re so literal, it’s cute.”

*While walking across Stockton Campus*
(Jason):  “You should consider yourself lucky that I’m taking the time out of my busy schedule to walk you to your car.”
(Me):  “It is six in the morning!  What the hell else would you possibly be doing?”
(Jason):  “Sleeping.  Or working in the Geology lab.”

*While walking through Tropicana in Atlantic City a random guy looks at me, opens his arms, and walks towards me — ready to hug me.*
(Me):  “You do know I don’t know you right?”

*While at Tilton, Shannon and I were discussing driving.*
(Me):  “Shan, when you took your driving test, did you take it without your glasses?”
(Shannon):  “I don’t remember honestly.”
(Me):  “Think hard. I know that was like 80 years ago, but try to remember.”
(Christine):  “Oh my god!  Bhahahhahahahahhaha”
(Shannon):  “Very funny. But now that I think about it, I don’t think I needed to wear them when I was driving my horse and buggy.”

*Just a typical conversation with my brothers.*
(Peter):  “I will cut you in the face — with my face.”
(Me):  “Look at me but understand him.”
(Will):  “I will beat your ass with my ass.”
(Me):  “Look at both of us, but understand nothing.”

*We were discussing how my dad would react if I were to get married*
(Me):  “Dad, what would you do on my wedding day?”
(Peter): “He would probably hold them at gunpoint.”
(Dad): “I would simply point a shotgun at him and say ‘Boy, you better say I do. And it is ’til Death Do You Part.”
(Me): “Andddddd, this is why I’m never getting married.”

*While on vacation*
(Gram): “Okay, we’re going to get you married to a good-looking soldier while you’re down here.”

*Chatting while I’m on vacation*
(Me): I’m such a god damn pushover.”
(Jeremy):  “Roni, seriously I love you dearly I really do, but you have to be the smartest woman I know who also has the dumbest heart ever. I don’t know if I’d rather hug you or smack you upside your head.”
(Me):  “I do have a dumb heart. It really should learn how to shut the hell up.”

*While driving through Hinesville*
(Me):  “Gram, I’m not a religious woman, but your driving has me praying over here! You’ve made me turn to religion, just to get to Walmart!!”

*New Years Eve, while walking up the streets of Atlantic City*
(Christine):  “It’s 1 am, and there are seriously hot dog vendors still selling hot dogs.  I mean really, who wants a hot dog at 1 am?”
(Me):  “Ummmm. Chris, it’s 4 am.”
(Christine):  “That’s even better!!”

*While watching the State of the Union*
(Me):  “Gram, the Commander in Chief is taking the stand.”
(Gram):  “I don’t listen to a thing that bastard has to say.”

*While looking at apartments in Savannah*
(Me):  “Gram…. I don’t think he wants me to go. I think he misses me.”
(Gram):  “Listen to your heart. What does it tell you?”
(Me):  “Home is where the heart is. And it’s with him.”
(Gram):  “But your home isn’t with him.”
(Me):  “So, I go with my brain for a change, Gram. And my brain is screaming seventy degree weather, nature singing, and these beautiful Orchids.”

*After singing Karaoke, I walk back to the table shaking*
(Pop):  “Why are you shaking?”
(Me): “I don’t sing in public.”
(Pop):  “Here” *passes me a drink* “Have some liquid courage.”
(Me): ”I have the best grandpop ever.  Buying me vodka shots!”

*Pulls up to Drive Thru*
(Me):  “Oh my gosh, I should get my dad a ‘super sized’ Big Mac.”
Juan places order, then turns to me
(Juan):  “Oh shit. I forgot to super size it!”

*While on the phone*
(Me):  “I miss you. Like so god damn much.”
(Christine):  “I miss you too. Now come home so we can have a date!”

*On Valentine’s Day*
(Sean): “Shit. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and my birthday. What a shitfest that should be.”
(Me):  “Don’t worry, I left Jersey just to avoid being alone.”
(Sean):  “I thought you forgot tomorrow is Valentine’s Day.”
(Me):  “How could I?  It’s my least favorite holiday, and I never celebrate it.”
(Sean):  “Why not?”
(Me):  “Because I show people I love them every day.  I don’t need to buy them hearts or cards or flowers.  I show them by giving them random hugs, kissing them for no reason at all, and doing whatever I can for them.  Love isn’t celebrated once a year for me.  No.  I celebrate it every day.”

I Want You Forever. Forever And Always

It’s nearly one am. I probably should be sleeping, as tomorrow I have an hour long drive to make, but for some reason I can’t.

I have this song stuck in my head. See, about two weeks ago, my ex told me to listen to this song, and once I did, I nearly cried. I know it shouldn’t have but it brought me back to every emotion I ever had linked to but of course, it did. I thought about the nights he was at school, and I would rush off to the grocery store to buy stuff to make dinner for him, so it would be ready for when he got done class.  I remembered the butterflies I would get when he would call me to tell me he’s on his way home.  Those same butterflies I got whenever I was driving back to our — his apartment after I was done work.  He always did have that way with me.  The feeling that I never wanted to go away.

I remembered the way I would look at him, even when we were just sitting on the couch watching TV. I remember the smile that would creep across my face, and the way I would scrunch my nose. Yes. I remember that passion that could have burned a hole right through my stomach if I let it.  It was the most incredible feeling I ever felt in my life.  The warm burning in the pit of my stomach.  I know when he touched my hand, or my cheek… I know he had to feel that same warmth.  There was no way for me to hide it.

Oddly enough, it was also the scariest feeling I ever experienced.  It still is.  Knowing that you fell madly in love with someone, and they could hurt you at any given moment.  It’s amazing just how your body can put yourself on the edge.  How love can make you be someone — you’re truly afraid of.  Trust me, if I would have looked at myself (you know the saying ‘the outside looking in’) I probably would have smacked the hell out of myself.  I would have warned myself that I was in too deep.  But I didn’t.  I just continued to fall harder.

I honestly believed he was going to be the man I was going to marry.  That he was the end all — be all of my world.  He was the center of my universe.  The days started with his smile and ended with his kiss goodnight.  It was the most real thing I had ever known.  It was the first time I really felt like I could move the stars if he asked me to.  It might have been the coolest feeling in the world — being that in love.

But just as the song changes, so do my emotions I can relate it to.  I remember the fear that crept into my mind when I thought I was losing him.  When I knew he wasn’t with me anymore.  The fear of being shattered.  I remember the constant heartache I would feel, as I sank into bed alone.

Knowing you lost someone is a ridiculously heartbreaking experience.  But knowing you couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it, is even worse.  So just as the song ends, I pick up the remainder of my heart and relate it to my current state.  I know that in the very depths of my heart, he’ll always reside. He might not be holding my hand, and he might not be sitting next to me, but he’s there — in the bits of my heart… he’s there.  I also know that there are going to be songs that trigger emotions that will bring me back to him.  I might not remember right away, but my heart can never forget.

I know I love him still.  I mean, jeez.  It’s no secret, if I’m wide awake at one something in the morning, tearing up, while listening to a song that reminds me of him.  But it’s a different kind of love now.  It’s the kind my parents told me about.  It’s my first real love.  I’m always going to feel this way.  I’m just now getting used to this feeling.  Even after all these months.

My heartstrings will always tug whenever I hear ‘our’ song. I’ll tear up to movies, just because the scenario relates.  And that’s okay.  I’m learning to translate that love that I held for him, into a passion.  A passion for bettering myself.  A passion for moving forward, because heaven knows I can’t stay in this rut.  And I know this post is probably better left unpublished, but I think this is a good lesson for others to hear — plus it’s soothing for me.

Just because your heart has been broken, it doesn’t mean you’re broken.  And not every break up has to be a bitter ending.  No.  It’s okay to be friends with your ex.  Sure.  Why not?  I mean, so they hurt you?  Yup.  My friends have hurt me, and I haven’t stopped being their friends.  You just have to roll with what falls on your plate.  You have to keep your head high.  Sure, you can be hurt and even for a bit, be bitter.  Remember, they did hurt you.  But also know, the moment you let that go, is the moment you let go of that pain.  Even for a bit.

Anyways, I should be heading off to bed.  I do have a long drive in the morning, and the Georgia sunshine has no problems waking me up in the morning.  Oh, and if you cry because of this song, don’t worry.  So did I…

Georgia Treats Me Well… :)

Tonight’s post is just a mixture of pictures of me enjoying the wonderful weather here in Savannah, Georgia.  Oh, it seems this is perfect timing here, beings as it’s not too hot, and it’s not cold… not that it really is down here.  God, I love it here.

Going Shopping With Gram!

Touring the base with my pop!

Heading to the Club for Karaoke Night — and yes, I did sing!

Right after I sang, “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry

Sunbathing in this lovely 75 degree weather!

Going to look at Apartments and Houses in Savannah!!

Going out shopping with the Girls.  I must have been told seventy-five times that I look like a perfect Southern Bell.  I felt it too…

Fresh out of the shower, ready to tackle the day.

Tomorrow marks Thursday.  One week ago I arrived here. Unsure if I would even like the area.  Within that seven-day time frame, I have fallen so madly in love with this area.  I’ve never been more sure of my surroundings, and more sure of who I am.  I love the people, nature, and everything in between.  My heart has gone to Georgia, and I know I’ll follow it here to stay. 

Let Your Clarity Define You

I’m in the middle of Georgia right now.  I’m taking a ten-day break from work.  A break from reality, if you will.  Ironically, I have done more within the past few days than I have in the past few months in Jersey.  Allow me the clarify.

Here in Georgia, my cell phone service is really spotty.  Especially on base.  But there’s a silver lining in every cloud, they say.  And due to my lack of technology (man, I never realized how heavily I rely on my phone for connection to the modern world,) I have been forced to submerge myself into nature.  I have gone on more nature walks, stood by the lake and pondered life’s complex concerns, and built a fire — just to hear crackling and snapping of wood as it burned.  Just to smell the refreshing scent of pine as it’s burned.  I’ve seen lizards, birds, wild pigs, kittens, dogs, and a plethora of wildlife, that I usually wouldn’t be privileged to in Jersey.

Last night, I went for a jog around the lake. My cell phone was charged but I decided to not take it.  I decided for the first time in a really long time, that I didn’t want to have Rob Thomas or Michael Buble singing a beautiful melody in my ears as I jogged an endless track.  I pulled on my cross-trainers and grabbed a flashlight (since it was nearing dark) and took off for the lake.  I rounded the first of the bend, listening to two men fishing.  They greeted me with a very polite “Good Evening Ma’am.” I dipped my head, wished them a good night, and kept my pace.  The jog was going easier than expected.  Usually I’m out of breath after a few hundred feet.

I came to an area where there’s a road.  A one lane bridge.  To my surprise, there was a couple walking the bridge, heading my way.  I headed down the embankment a bit, and they smiled at me and I couldn’t help but yell out, “Beautiful night, isn’t it?”  The couple grinned and answered, “It sure is, but then again, it always is.”  I spun around and I stopped.  Is every night really beautiful?

My head raced back to every emotion I linked to evenings.  The nights I spent curled up next to a loved one — happiness; the feeling of being absolutely complete; love. Then there were nights I spent curled up in a ball — crying.  For a while, nights were my enemy. I hated going to bed alone. I hated waking up alone.  Yet here I was, running in the middle of Georgia, in the middle of the woods, around a lake at almost dark… smiling.

I slowed my pace. I started walking. I reached a dock and walked to the edge.  I peeked over the edge of the wood in search of something.  A crocodile or alligator… or anything.  But instead, I saw my reflection. I smiled, and for once, it wasn’t a forced smile. It was a truly authentic smile. I sunk down to my knees, touched the water, just to watch the ripple effect.

I jumped back up and started back down the trail.  I ran past a mother loading her baby into a car seat. Coaxing her back to sleep. I ran further into the woods, away from the lake.  I plunged further in.  Away from the main roads.  The sounds of owls hooing, and crickets chirping grew louder.  It became this beautiful melody.  With one chirp came a hoo.  Nature was singing.

When I reached the middle of a dirt beaten path, I stopped at looked at all the trees.  The swamps were overgrown with moss and lily pads.  It might have been the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  The bugs lit up the trees, and flowers are just at the peak of budding. Readying themselves for bloom. I wish I could have snapped a picture.

As I continued my walk I began to really think about how much different my life would be down here. Life is Jersey tends to be chaotic, well at least for me. Work rules my life and what’s left of it is spaced between friends and family. In the time I have spent here so far, Georgia has shown me what it’s like to really slow down and enjoy the little things. It’s shown me how precious nature and really life in general can be.

Ironically, that’s when I had my second revelation.  I went back to my camp site, cracked open my laptop, and submitted my applications to University Medical, Winn, and Chandler Hospital here in Georgia.  I then contacted ”Doc” William (a fabulous Doctor I met down here at Fort Stewart) letting him know I submitted my applications.  He told me that he would look into it and let me know by Friday, when I am due to see him again at the Club.

I realized that — THIS is where I am supposed to be.  See, in Jersey I have nothing to hold me there.  My friends will travel to see me, and the ones that wouldn’t, well — I barely see them anyway.  My father plans on retiring in a year and traveling the world, and my siblings are at the point where they have moved to go off to college or the military.  I have no pets and no boyfriend stopping me from going anywhere, so I don’t have to worry too much about any long distance relationships.

You only have one life. If you’re not living it to the fullest, you’re not living it at all. Life is about taking risks. It’s about making decisions that to some might be crazy, but to you… well it makes sense. Yes, I am fully aware that the last time I took a risk, I was deeply hurt but that’s okay. Pain is all relative. Without the risk of pain, you’ll never know the depths of joy and happiness.

Besides, You have to make a few mistakes before you get it right. You have to fall before you can stand. You rise to the occasion.  And most importantly, sometimes, we’re given opportunities.  People walk into your life for a reason. Do you think it’s just a coincidence that the FIRST people I met coming off of the plane, happened to be doctors?  Do you think it’s coincidence that the FIRST people I met coming onto base were nurses in the army?  Because I don’t. I don’t believe in coincidence anymore.  Fate.  Now, that’s something to believe in.

So maybe this is all in my head. Maybe I’m over analyzing all of this.  Maybe I’ll wake up next week and realize I’m stuck in Jersey for the remainder of my sad life. I’m young enough to make mistakes. I’m young enough to fail. I’m young enough to move forward with my life. But if nothing else, Georgia has shown me that the “here and now” is what matters.  That life is too short to be anything but happy.  None of the drama matters anymore.  And for the first time in so long, I can honestly say that I’m happy where I am; with who I am.  And if I never leave Georgia… well I’d be perfectly fine with that.

Okay Rob, you can sing to me now.