Sometimes, We Just Have to Look a Little Harder for a Silver Lining

Every now and then we are given a moment. A brief second in time, when everything in our life makes absolute sense.

I believe this is my moment.

Things have been incredibly busy between trying to find a solid balance between my family time, work, and squeezing in a few party dates with my friends. I’m often catching myself wondering if it is all worth it.

Is it worth it losing a few hours of sleep to spend with a loved one… If you do nothing but fight and you feel like crap the next morning?

Is it worth it working an extra shift at work if you have to give up family time or seeing a few friends?

Is it worth it going to a party if you feel miserable moments after getting there, wishing you were home?

And then it hit me. Yes. It’s all worth it.

Yes, it’s worth it to lose sleep fighting with a loved one, because you should never go to bed angry. You should stay up and fight. You should work out your problems before climbing into bed. And yes, you might feel like crap in the morning, because you missed out on some extra sleep, but you won’t feel like crap because you went to bed with unresolved issues.

Yes, it’s worth working overtime, because you can now take some time to do something extra special with your family since now you have the extra resources to do so.

And yes, it’s worth going to that party you didn’t want to go to, because it gets you out of the house. It gets you off the couch and it stops you from being a lazy shit. Plus you get to see friends. You get to mingle with people you might not have ever met before. You never know what can happen…

So in short, with every thing there is a plus and a minus. A positive and a negative side effect. Sometimes, we only focus on the good, and others we focus on the bad. It’s all a matter of prospective.

I’m Bored, So Here’s A Random Questionaire.

  • Who has been the most important person in your life? Can you tell me about him or her?

My dad.  He’s been the most influential man in my life.  He’s always a guiding force behind me, even when I mistake him guiding me with being pushy.  He’s raised me since I was 9 months old, and even to this day, I know he still sees me as “his little girl.”  :)

  • What was the happiest moment of your life? The saddest?

Happiest, was my birthday this year.  Saddest, is a tie; the day I put my sweet baby Harley to sleep and had to bury her, and the day that I moved out of my ex’s apartment.

  • Who has been the biggest influence on your life? What lessons did that person teach you?

Again, my dad.  He’s taught me so many lessons.  From how to change the oil in my car, to how to properly clean a grill.  How to power wash a house, mow the lawn, practically make anything I can think of with wood, put in a sprinkler system… how to learn to let stuff roll off my shoulders, be a stronger person.  Love my dad.

  • Who has been the kindest to you in your life?

Probably my best friend, Christine.  She just gets me.  She stands beside me and just supports me.  When everyone is on my case, she’s the only one who just lets me cry and stands right beside me.

  • What are the most important lessons you’ve learned in life?

I learned that you never really know how to rebuild, unless you’ve been broken.  You never truly love until you’ve had your heart ripped out.  I’ve learned that love hurts, even when you think it’s meant to be.  First impressions are not always true.  Never judge a book by its cover.  Nothing lasts forever.  People will hurt you, even when they don’t intend on it.  You will hurt people, even if you don’t mean to.  Only the good die young.  Losing a dog is like losing your best friend.

  • What is your earliest memory?

I remember being so small.  I was probably two or three, and I remember my dad filming me.  Doing everything.  Brushing my teeth, opening gifts, walking, talking, eating, sleeping… he documented my life.  I remember my dad always following me around with a camera, telling me, “Wave for the camera babe!”

  • What are the funniest or most embarrassing stories your family tells about you?

Probably the fact that I have huge hips, and one day during a game of baseball, when my sister was running towards first base (I was the First Baseman), I threw my hip in my sister’s direction, and she ended up slamming into my hip, and landing on the ground, with the wind knocked out of her.  While everyone was checking up on her, I was dying on the ground laughing.  Yeah, I’m a little competitive.  Haha.

  • If you could hold on to just one memory from your life forever, what would that be?

I like remember snuggling under the covers with my baby Harley.  She snored in her sleep.  It was the cutest thing ever.  She just loved climbing under the covers with me and sleeping… it got to the point where I couldn’t sleep without her for a very long time.  Haha.

  • What are you proudest of in your life?

Getting my first “big girl job.”

  • When in life have you felt most alone?

The night I moved back into my dad’s house.

  • How has your life been different from what you’d imagined?

Definitely.  So much changes every year.  It’s crazy.

  • How would you like to be remembered?

I want to be remembered, as I lived.  With an open heart and open mind.  A sweet girl, with a huge heart with a ton of love for everyone I knew.

  • Do you have any regrets?

Yes and no.  I am who I am, because of what I did in my past.

  • What does your future hold?

I really can’t say.  A job, a family…

  • Is there any message you want to give to or anything you want to say to your great-great-great grandchildren when they listen to this?

Sure.  Don’t be stupid.  Read often, make lots of friends, laugh as much as you can.  Stay active in your community, give back as often as you can.  When your heart breaks, let it repair itself.  Don’t make promises, you can’t ever keep.  Wear Suntan lotion!  Make mistakes — make lots of them.  Don’t be afraid to screw up.  Try, and when you fail, try again.  Kiss with everything you have, love like you’ll never love again, and dream like there’s no tomorrow.  Sing, dance in the pouring rain, rescue a dog or cat or both.  Never turn a blind eye.  And no matter where you go in life, never forget where you come from.

  • Where did you grow up?

With my dad in Northfield.  Then we moved to Egg Harbor Township, where I lived the majority of my life.

  • What was your childhood like?

It was rough, but that’s the trend now-a-days.  I grew up with brothers and sisters and a stepmom and dad…

  • Who were your favorite relatives?

My grandmother and my grandfather.  My cousins.  Specially my guy cousins.

  • Do you remember any of the stories they used to tell you?

Tons!  Most of them involve my dad when he was younger, or my grandmother being ridiculous.

  • How did you and grandma/grandpa meet?

That’s probably my favorite love story ever.  My grandmother was walking up the street with her friends, and my grandfather was walking up the other side of the street with his friends.  My grandfather took one look at my grandmother and said to his friends, “See that girl?  That’s the girl I’m going to marry one day.”  And two weeks later… they did.  67 years later, and they’re still together.  Still so in love with each other.  Still so happy.  <3

  • What were your parents like?

My mom was a cute blonde.  She’s rebellious, reckless, and stubborn.  My dad is a brunette.  Over the top, crazy, and yet… grounded.

My mother’s mother, is much like my mother.  My dad’s mother, is — almost like my best friend.  Strong minded, very literal, and tough, but she has a great heart.  My dad’s dad is very much like my grandmother.

  • What are your dreams for your children?

That they’ll never have to want for anything.  That they’ll never feel pain or have to experience a hardship.  That they’ll know more love and understanding than I can ever imagine.  That they’ll experience more of the world and accomplish every dream they ever have.

  • When and where were you born?

1989 and I was born in Atlantic City Medical.

  • How was your relationship with your parents?

My dad and I butt heads a lot, but I love him.  My mom and I, don’t ever speak.  I actually haven’t talked to her since I was 18.

  • Did you get into trouble? What was the worst thing you did?

I have gotten into trouble but stupid things.  Like not doing homework, or being late to school but nothing worse than that though.

  • Do you have any siblings? What were they like growing up?

I have 8.  4 sisters and 4 brothers.  It’s funny.  When I was growing up, I was incredibly close with my sisters and now that we’re grown, I’m closer with my brothers.

  • What did you look like?

Oh my gosh I was such a nerd.  I had wavy blonde hair, braces, and a book glued to my hand.

  • How would you describe yourself as a child? Were you happy?

I was your typical average child I guess.  In general, I was okay.

  • What is your best memory of childhood? Worst?

I have a lot of good ones that involve my dad.  Usually it was our weekend getaways, camping.  I have a few bad ones too, mostly ones that involve my mom.

  • Did you have a nickname? How’d you get it?

I had a few.  Roni, which stuck, is basically just my name — shortened.  I was also called Ron, Ver, Ica, Ronica, VM, Short Stuff, Elf…

  • Who were your best friends? What were they like?

In high school it was Georgianna and Kimberly.  Such sweet girls.  In college it was Justina and Tiffany.  Great girls, who played Volleyball with me.  In undergrad, it was Tanya and Ryan.  Both of which I communicate with on a weekly basis.  Actually, come to think about it… I talk to all of my friends from school.

  • How would you describe a perfect day when you were young?

A day out camping in the middle of the woods, riding quads, and having a bon fire with my dad and his friends.

  • Did you enjoy school?

Grade school – no.  High school — yes.  College — definitely.  Except finals.  They sucked.

  • What kind of student were you?

High school and college I was a straight A Student.  Yup, nerd status.

  • What would you do for fun?

I was athletic in high school and college.  I played volleyball, softball, tennis, and rowed crew.  I also acted in school plays, and managed both the boy’s soccer team and the boy’s wrestling team.

  • How would your classmates remember you?

The quiet, sweet girl.  That’s probably about it.  Even though I played sports, I still kept to myself.

  • Are you still friends with anyone from that time in your life?

Lots!  I still hang out with my high school friends all the time.

  • What are your best memories of grade school/high school/college/graduate school? Worst memories?

Graduation was the saddest.  I remember breaking down the whole day.  My happiest was probably the start of my senior year.

  • Was there a teacher or teachers who had a particularly strong influence on your life? Tell me about them.

Oh tons!  I’m actually friends with so many of my teachers outside of school.  I still stop by every once in a while to see them.

  • Do you have a love of your life?

I absolutely do.

  • When did you first fall in love?

The first time was last summer.

  • Can you tell me about your first kiss?

I was 16, it was summertime.  I met a guy when I was on vacation with my family.  It was 4th of July weekend.  I was at the pool and this guy came up to me and we talked and hung out and he asked me to this dance.  I went with him, and that’s when it happened.

  • What was your first serious relationship?

I had one in high school.

  • Do you believe in love at first sight?

Yes.  I think it can happen whenever we least suspect it.

  • Do you ever think about previous lovers?

I have thought about my ex.

  • What lessons have you learned from your relationships?

Don’t rush into things.  Love is a powerful tool.  It can either build you up, or tear you down.  Trust your instincts.  If something feels too good to be true… then it is.  Never give up on yourself.  Just because someone doesn’t love you, it doesn’t mean that no one loves you.

In prayer it is better to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

I want to remove Politics, and any Financial or Ethnic factor from this post.  So when you read this, just take it for what it’s worth.  That’s all I ask.

I’m not a religious person.  I don’t go to Church, and I don’t pray nightly.  I don’t know how many Saints there are, and I couldn’t recite one passage, even if you begged me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in a higher power.  That being said, I want to share with the world what’s burning through me tonight.

It’s no secret that there has been a devastating loss in Boston, MA this past week.  I know if you’re like me, your thoughts are glued to every report, status update, and every breaking news statement.  With both suspects taken off the streets, I know that the city that so many of us love, can start rebuilding.  I just wanted to send my thoughts over to them tonight.

I also want to share my prayers tonight.  I want to go a little deeper, because I honestly think it’s worth sharing.

I pray that victims and the loved ones of those that were lost due to this awful tragedy, find some small amount of justice after today.  I can’t imagine the pain and loss that these people are feeling.  My heart literally breaks a little more with each report.

I really pray that justice is served to this little punk who destroyed so many people’s lives, and that he gets what’s coming to him.  I hope they torture him slowly, painfully, and in the most violent way possible… and then let him live.  Live knowing what he did, seeing the victims faces, feeling like scum.  I hope that he gets his in the end.

But… more so, and maybe even a little deeper… I feel I need to pray for humanity.

I hope that the world knows of better days.  I hope that Americans… and well, no human for that matter, ever has to wake up to the sounds of SWAT teams, military men and women, or bombs exploding.  No one should ever have to live in that much fear.

I pray for the young, innocent children of today. I was speaking to a girl today at work, and she said something that really shocked me.  She said, “This day and age, it’s a bad time to have children.  They just can’t be safe anymore.” She’s right and that’s incredibly heartbreaking. So with that, I pray that children can be safety sent off to school, without parents worrying that their babies have been shot by some crazy, madman.  That children can safety play ball outside their house without being kidnapped or shot. It’s just sickening.

I pray that our future brightens.  The world has changed so much in the short time that I’ve been blessed to be alive.  Doors have to be locked, dead bolted, and alarms set.  Children can’t even walk to the mailbox without getting snatched off the street.  Dogs are violently beaten and used for sport. People are more weary of helping strangers, because in this day and age, you never know who someone might turn out to be.  A hitch hiker, might turn out to be a mass murder.  A principal, a drug dealer.  A doctor, a rapist.  Yes, that’s the kind of world we live in today.  And it’s disgusting.

I’m also going to take a second and be a little selfish and pray for myself.  I pray that I have the wisdom to learn from my mistakes.  I pray that I have the strength to overcome what ever life throws in my face.  I pray that I have the heart to love unconditionally; to forgive without holding a grudge.  That I have the courage to smile, when all I want to do is fall apart.  That I have the knowledge to change what I can. That I can be fearless, when others need me to be. That I can laugh and brighten up other’s days… even if it’s just for a moment.

I’m not a Saint.  I know that I have a lot of things in my life, that maybe I’m not proud of.  I am who I am though.  I’m just a woman, who has seen enough hurt, loss, and heartache to last her a lifetime.  Doesn’t anyone else ever think… enough is enough?

I wonder what it will take to make the world a better place.  With every act of gun violence, people are up in arms about gun control laws… and then a bomb explodes and people are screaming for justice.  It doesn’t have to be about politics.  For once, it could be just about what’s right, and what’s wrong.  It’s dead wrong for bombs to explode in the middle of our streets.  It’s dead wrong for a whole city to have to shut down, because one asshole decides he’s going to attempt to hide from the US Government.  Ha. We saw how that turned out… But at the same token, it’s dead wrong for the media to exploit victims, just so they have a story. It’s wrong for people to use pictures of victims, just so they can get a few “likes” on Facebook. In fact, I worry there’s more wrong in the world, than there is right. And THAT’S what bothers me most.

I can’t change the world.  I thought I could, but I’m learning the hard way that I can’t.  So rather than be a naïve little girl, I’m going to do the adult thing.  I’m going to accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world.  I’m accepting the fact that I only have control over me and my actions.  If I can be the best person that I can be, then I’ve already made a difference to the world. I’ve added more love, understanding, hope, dreams, courage, and wisdom to this world.

So to wrap it up, (I’m sorry, I bounced off topic again), my thoughts and prayers are extended to all of those grieving tonight.  My heart is broken and aching for you. Not just in Boston, but all throughout the world.  I can’t change the past, but the future is still up for grabs.  I may only be one person, but sometimes, all it takes is one person to make a difference.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9KHo9z86rA

Christmas Wish List

I meant to post this sooner, but with the holidays, I have barely been home long enough to post.  Anyways, for the past two weeks, I have had friends from work, my dad, my sisters, and my brothers asking me what I wanted for Christmas.  On Thursday, I was kind enough to write out a nice Christmas list out, and I slid it in my dad’s wallet.  Hmm, maybe he’ll actually pull through this year.  :)

christmas wish list

Bucketlist # 77. Check.

*~* Update *~*

April 2, 2012

I found a job that I truly love.

scrubs

After a long internship, The Rothman Institute hired me on as a secretary/check in girl.  That was the only opening that they had at the time, so I naturally leaped at the opportunity.  After working there for two months, a new Spine/Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation Doctor had joined the practice.  He didn’t have a nurse with him, and after talking with some of the higher-ups, upper-management offered me the position and next thing you know, I’m traveling with the Doctor, from office to office.  My doctor is really nice.  We work really well together and even on our most stressful days, everything seems to run smoothly.  I’m really lucky to have such a great job and even better co-workers.

15. Spend three months getting your body into optimum shape.

15. Spend three months getting your body into optimum shape.

I want to get my body looking good. When I get it into shape, I definitely intend on keeping it there.  I have never been a super skinny girl.  In high school, I weighted my lightest, due to all the sports I played in high school.  Then college happened.  Even though I was still active in sports, I still gained that freshman fifteen — or thirty.  And now that I’m finished college… it appears that even looking at a cookie, I gain ten pounds.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not so heavy that my health is at risk, it’s just I’m concerned about getting my body back into shape.  I just want to look and feel better.

So Maybe There’s a Difference…

 

In my ripe age of 23, I have come to realize some pretty interesting things about love.  Love is more than passing notes in high school to your boyfriend or girlfriend.  Love is more than choosing to sit next to each other on the bus on your way to school.  It’s more than picking to do projects together, spending time together between soccer practice and studying for your exam.  No.  Love is so much more than that.

It’s walking away during a fight, but coming back to work things out afterwards.  It’s realizing that you have given someone total power to break you but trusting them not to.  It’s staring at your partner, and smiling like an idiot when they catch you.  Oh and when they ask you, “Why are you staring at me?,”  You often find yourself drawing a blank with nothing to say.  So you continue to smile.  Haha.

It’s knowing you’re going to run into hardships.  A lot of them.  Knowing you’re going to come across stress when dealing with bills, schedule changes, and even finding time to squeeze a lot alone time in between each other’s busy days.  Love means you trust someone.  Completely.

Knowing that the door can open at any given time, and they can walk out — leaving you with your head in your hands.  It’s knowing that you could do the same to them, but you would never dream of that (naturally.)  Loving someone means that you’re willing to put their wants and needs before yours.  That you’re willing to meet their demands — within reason.

Love is pretty complicated.  You never really know what’s going to happen.  The best you can do, is love without reservations, dream with no restrictions, and hope for the best.  If it’s meant to be — so it shall.