“You have delighted us long enough.” — Jane Austen

“You can only be young once. But, you can always be immature.” — Dave Barry

“Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and the Force that Pulls Dogs Towards the Groins of Strangers.” — Dave Barry

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.” — Dave Barry

“What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets for the world series.” — Dave Barry

“Its not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.” Caron de Beaumarchais

“Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortunes to others.” — Ambrose Bierce

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.” — Erma Bombeck

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop

“We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.” — Elayne Boosler

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absense.” — Ashleigh Brilliant

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.” — A. Whitney Brown

“I wont say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like “What I’m going to be if I grow up.” — Lenny Bruce

“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” — George W. Bush

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” — Johnny Carson

“I believe in luck: How else can you explain the success of those you dont like?” — Jean Cocteau

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Shes 97 today, and we dont know where the hell she is.” — Ellen DeGeneres

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” — Abba Eban

“Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop” — Anonymous

“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” — Anonymous

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” — Anonymous

“The future depends on what we do in the present.” — Mahatma Gandhi

“Hey Dick.. Excuse me.. Richard.” — Judd Nelson “The Criminal” from The Breakfast Club

“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.” — Chevy Chase “Clark Griswald from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

 


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