Completely and Utterly… Empty

I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing.
It’s almost six in the morning and I’m still sitting here.I feel like I’ve been sitting in the same place I have been for the past months.
I’m still working on the same degree,
The same internship,
Hanging with the same friends,
Doing the same thing,
Wasting my time on the same heartache,
Just to get the same response from more than one other girl…I’m just sick and tired.
I’m tired of the bullshit
Of his lies…
Of my stubbornness…

If I was smart then I would have left when it got bad.
I would have left at the first sign of any problems.
The first blip on the radar and I should have hit the ground running.

But, Its me.
I STAY like a jackass.
Allowing him to feed me lie after lie.
Killing me with kindness.
I’m beating my soul up trying to make shit work with him.
WHY?!

Am I out of my god damn mind?

I don’t even know..

The worst part is..
There are those moments that I feel like we’re giving signs to just jump at the opportunity…
And for once in the past six month.. no year… I actually jumped at the chance.

As soon as I do, I literally became overwhelmed with like a million different emotions.
Most didn’t even come out until I got home and thought about it over night.

I can’t even believe I’m STILL thinking about that night…
It was so out of the ordinary for me to just literally pack up and go..
and yet…
I’m surprisingly satisfied with the reaction I’m giving myself.

The part that really is bothering me
Is before that night…
I felt complete.

Not 100 percent perfection.
Just enough for me to be able to wake up and get out of bed.

Now, I feel empty.
I don’t know how to describe it.
It’s like a part of me saw so much of what I feel like I’ve been missing…
And the second I saw it, and felt it… I didn’t want to let it go.

I think about it..
What do I really want in a guy?

Someone who makes me laugh.
Who will laugh not only at me, but with me and for me when I just can’t.
Someone who can make me smile.
It could be something so insignificant as a joke, or as a comment.
Someone who listens to me.
They wont just ignore me when I want to vent.. much like I’m doing now.
Someone who will show me I’m their one and only.
I’ve been told this but It’s not always true…

I’m insane if I thought anything was going to come out of one night.
God what the hell was I thinking?
Or maybe I wasnt.

No… I guess not.

I once heard a saying,
“There’s no such thing as puppy love.
Love is love, no matter what your age
And we all suffer from its loss.”

How true that is..
Love is a cruel joke.
I’m not being a pessimistic person but come on.
I’m so over it.

I’ve been in love once.
One time.
And to have your heart stomped on hurts.
I’ll you that.
But Jesus

I think I’m a masochist.

I like eating this bullshit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner apparently.

I just wish one day,
I would wake up,
Smack myself in the face,
And just move on.

Instead, I sit here.
In the same rut.
With the same friends.
Work at the same crummy job.
Reading the same books for the same classes.
Listening to the same bullshit.

Maybe sometime soon, someone will pull me out of this rut.
You know where to find me.

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