Pretty much from the moment of my last break-up I have been stuck in this mode, where I don’t want a relationship. I think it’s easier to focus on other things rather than a new (or previous) boy in my life. I have found excuses to not go out with guys. Some of the most recent ones have been: “I’m sorry, I have work in the morning.” When I really don’t have to go into work until 3 in the afternoon. “Sorry, I have class first thing in the morning.” When I don’t have class some days until noon. “Sorry, I can’t. I’m really tired.” When in all actuality, I spend another 3 hours awake listening to music. I thought it was better to focus on myself and not ever drag someone down with me again. I’m still nice to everyone. Maybe even a little too friendly at times. I’m always afraid to come off as a bitch. Problem is, I have been so focused on coming up with excuses, I forgot what it’s like to actually go out. I forgot what it’s like to spend time with others that I genuinely like.
So I stay stuck in this little rut. That’s fine. I’m working on ways to manage. I work a lot, go to Medical school, go out with my friends on the weekend, and spend a lot of times with my brothers and sisters. Then in the middle of focusing on ways to avoid going out on dates with guys, I somehow missed that I was smack dab in the middle of one. I didn’t even notice, or if I did, I failed to warn myself, that I was starting to like someone. Someone, I never thought I would. Someone who’s genuine. I believe everything he has ever said to me. That’s so un-like me too. I usually doubt guys. I usually think they have an ulterior motive. For once, I don’t. The scariest part to me is that, I trust him. Unconditionally. I feel like I can tell him pretty much anything and he wouldn’t leave. I don’t think I have put so much trust in someone in such a short amount of time.
So Maybe There’s Hope.
I’m not banking on forever. He told me something that I might never forget. He said, that we can never be sure someone if someone is going to hurt us or not. He’s right. I can’t be sure if he’s going to hurt me or not, nor can I be sure if I am going to hurt him. We can’t be. I don’t have a crystal ball and I can’t read the future. I’m honestly really glad I can’t too. I don’t want to know how this, whatever it may be, is going to end. If there is an ending at all. I would rather like to have things play themselves out. It would be much too boring to know the ending first. I’m going to let things run their course.
I know I am not the only one who can relate to my little life lesson. I am sure we have all been there. Wanting to get back into the field but at the same time, reluctant. I was just lucky enough to be afraid and bump into someone who is willing to help pull me out with him. You will find it too. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but one day you will. We can’t plan how things are going to be. We can’t plan perfect. We can’t be it either. What we can do, is when we start to fall, let go of your past reservations. Let go of past hurt. It’s only going to drag you down. It will only impede your future relationships. Sometimes, you have to roll with the punches and the way things fall on your plate. Don’t wait on fate or destiny. It won’t find you if you plan on staying implanted on your couch and refuse to get out there. You have to let yourself be happy. You have to let yourself be willing to move on. If nothing else, I can’t thank him enough for that. So maybe instead of staying home Friday night, go out. Instead of going to your usual spot on Saturday afternoon, try some place new. You never really know who you are going to encounter. There are over 6 billion people in this world. Chances are, you switch up the routine, you might just switch up your life.