What’s Wrong With A Little Romance?

I’ve Never Been Good At This. 

I have never been good at letting people in.  I have spent years of setting these walls up to prevent others from ever coming even close to me and my emotions.  With every break-up and every friendship that has gone wrong, I have built those walls higher and higher.  I have spent so much time focused on keeping people out, that I haven’t had a real relationship in a long time.  I have dated.  I have gone on dates with guys before.  I have spent nights at the beach walking hand in hand with the one guy in the world I would ever want to.  I have done it all.  It’s just, I have never had a relationship, in which I actually thought “Wow, I love this boy. I want to marry him one day.”   That’s okay though, I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way.  It takes a lot to say that to someone….

Brick by Brick.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.  A lot of subjects have been coming to mind that honestly, I wouldn’t think about regularly.  Things like marriage, kids, my future, and my friends.  The other day, while on break from class, one of the guys I have class with came up to me and out of nowhere said:

“You know, everyday I see it.  When someone brings up your ex.  When people bring up your past.  I see it.  I see you grit your teeth and build that wall up, one brick higher.”

He’s absolutely right.  As much as I don’t want to admit it, he’s right.  It’s not even something I do conscientiously.  That’s what got me thinking…

Ah, what the hell.

Why should I have these damn walls up?  What use are they doing?  The only thing they are doing is retaining the hurt inside these walls.  I am not letting anything go.  That’s no better than letting people in.  So here’s my question.  Why shouldn’t I have some fun?  Why should I limit the people I hang out with?  Why shouldn’t I be happy?

Exactly.

I should be happy.  I shouldn’t be afraid of letting people in.  I shouldn’t worry about someone not liking me.  I shouldn’t be worried about failing at a first date or (God Willing) if the first date does work out, I shouldn’t be stressing about how long until they are going to leave me like everyone else.  Instead, I should be living it up.  I should be loving life and the people I am spending it with.  Yeah sure, I have a good head on my shoulders (for the most part) and I am going through the motions of a normal woman in her early 20s does, but I am not truly enjoying it.  That is going to change.

What’s Wrong With A Little Romance?

So maybe I’m not ready for the whole shebang.  I’m ready for the relationship though.  I’m ready for the dinners out at a fancy restaurant, the slow dances on the dance floor, and the awkward drive to meet the parents.  I want a little romance in my life.  The bit of love in my life that I am missing desperately.  What is wrong with holding hands in public or walking with your hands in each other’s pockets?  What’s wrong with holding hands over a candle light dinner?  Nothing.

That’s exactly why I am going to step out of my box.  I am let go of my past reservations, and I am going to let myself get out there. It hurts to let go, but even more to hold on.  I know that he’ll always have a part of my heart and even if it takes forever, I will move on.  I will fall in love again.

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