I’ve Never Been Good At This.
I have never been good at letting people in. I have spent years of setting these walls up to prevent others from ever coming even close to me and my emotions. With every break-up and every friendship that has gone wrong, I have built those walls higher and higher. I have spent so much time focused on keeping people out, that I haven’t had a real relationship in a long time. I have dated. I have gone on dates with guys before. I have spent nights at the beach walking hand in hand with the one guy in the world I would ever want to. I have done it all. It’s just, I have never had a relationship, in which I actually thought “Wow, I love this boy. I want to marry him one day.” That’s okay though, I am sure I am not the only one who has felt this way. It takes a lot to say that to someone….
Brick by Brick.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of subjects have been coming to mind that honestly, I wouldn’t think about regularly. Things like marriage, kids, my future, and my friends. The other day, while on break from class, one of the guys I have class with came up to me and out of nowhere said:
“You know, everyday I see it. When someone brings up your ex. When people bring up your past. I see it. I see you grit your teeth and build that wall up, one brick higher.”
He’s absolutely right. As much as I don’t want to admit it, he’s right. It’s not even something I do conscientiously. That’s what got me thinking…
Ah, what the hell.
Why should I have these damn walls up? What use are they doing? The only thing they are doing is retaining the hurt inside these walls. I am not letting anything go. That’s no better than letting people in. So here’s my question. Why shouldn’t I have some fun? Why should I limit the people I hang out with? Why shouldn’t I be happy?
I should be happy. I shouldn’t be afraid of letting people in. I shouldn’t worry about someone not liking me. I shouldn’t be worried about failing at a first date or (God Willing) if the first date does work out, I shouldn’t be stressing about how long until they are going to leave me like everyone else. Instead, I should be living it up. I should be loving life and the people I am spending it with. Yeah sure, I have a good head on my shoulders (for the most part) and I am going through the motions of a normal woman in her early 20s does, but I am not truly enjoying it. That is going to change.
What’s Wrong With A Little Romance?
So maybe I’m not ready for the whole shebang. I’m ready for the relationship though. I’m ready for the dinners out at a fancy restaurant, the slow dances on the dance floor, and the awkward drive to meet the parents. I want a little romance in my life. The bit of love in my life that I am missing desperately. What is wrong with holding hands in public or walking with your hands in each other’s pockets? What’s wrong with holding hands over a candle light dinner? Nothing.
That’s exactly why I am going to step out of my box. I am let go of my past reservations, and I am going to let myself get out there. It hurts to let go, but even more to hold on. I know that he’ll always have a part of my heart and even if it takes forever, I will move on. I will fall in love again.