It’s 2:02 am and I know I should be sleeping. I have class at 8:30 am and my professors always get pissy when anyone walks in mid-lecture. I wish I could sleep. I wish I was able to sincerely put my head on my pillow and just fall the hell asleep. But I can’t. So I’m here instead. I’m sitting here and a thousand and one thoughts are running through my head.
“What’s the weather supposed to be like tomorrow?”
“What? Snow! Why the hell is it snowing in October?!”
“Is the laundry going to be dry anytime this year?”
“Maybe I should start the dishwasher now…”
“Why is Harley rolling around on the floor like an idiot…”
And the list drowns on. So I sit here. Accomplishing nothing. Surprise surprise. That’s when I flicked on the TV. I watched Just Married, with Aston Kutcher and Brittany Murphy. It’s not a favorite but it’s definitely worth a few chuckles. Once that was over, I started watching The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.
While I’m sitting here, curled up with a blanket, hot chocolate brewing, and Harley wrapped around my legs, I began thinking even more. This time though, my thoughts narrowed more. I started thinking a lot about what my best friend said to me early. Of course, our conversation took place over Skype (as if we had any other choice.) We were talking about how I am so hard to read. How I’m so afraid to open up because according to him, “I have been messed with in the past.” He always does have a nicer way of putting things.
Maybe this is just an outlet for my running mind.
“What do I really want out of a relationship?”
Usually I just answer anyone’s question with another question. I’m not too helpful when it comes to making clean, cut decisions. Ha. So when I legitimately asked myself this question, you can imagine my surprise to find myself actually answering.
I don’t need much from a guy. I can deal with most crazy things coming at me anymore. I’m not afraid of crazy parents, uptight families, and overbearing friends. I’m not worried about dealing with what others think. Honestly, no one’s opinions matter to me anymore. I’m just at that point in my life where I am done trying to please everyone. You can’t please everyone. Not everyday. Not every time. And sure as hell not, when you try to either. So rather than trying to manage my life around every thing and everyone, it’s time I start thinking about myself and what I need from a relationship.
- I need security. I don’t want to feel like anyone is going to leave me at any given moment. I don’t want to have to worry if they are going to just walk away. Just as soon as I began opening up to them. It’s kind of ironic that someone who talks about love and being in love and all that it entails is also one of the most cynics about it at the very same token.
- I need to be appreciated. I am more than just a pretty face or a gorgeous smile. My eyes sparkling do not define me. The fact that I can shimmy into a tight dress doesn’t make me any better than anyone else. I want to be valued for my intelligence. I want to be noticed for the depth of my heart. I want to be acknowledged for my spirit. I am worth more than a double take.
- What it all boils down to is, I just need to feel loved. More than anything. I am so tired of getting in relationships and giving it my everything for it to work just for it to fall apart. I am so sick of trying to work at love. If it’s not meant to happen, it’s not meant to be. I am fully aware of that. That’s why so many of my relationships are over before they even really begin. If I feel like it’s just me working at it, then it’s not worth it.
I am what I am. I can only be who I am. It’s just human of me to act a certain way. It’s how we all are.
Truth is, I don’t know where I will be five, ten, twenty, forty years from now. I am sincerely tired of waiting for this crazy thing called “love” to happen to me. So rather than chase it, I’ll let it find me. I will stop looking for love in all the wrong places. I will stop looking at all. The best thing about letting love find you, is that it’s usually right under your nose the whole time.