May Angels Lead You In

I thought I might get one more chance.

I don’t know how to say this.  You never know when someone might be gone.  You never know when  your time is up.  There are so many things that I wish I would have said.  I don’t want to remember the last thing you said to me being, “You hate me, don’t you?” and me not responding.  I don’t want to remember that the last conversation was a fight between us.

I wish there was a better ending to our story.  Lord knows you meant more to me than most people ever did.  You were my friend and so long ago, you were my boyfriend.  You were the closest thing to me for so long.  I’m sorry we didn’t work out.  I have so many regrets in our past.  I just always thought we would make things right some day.  I was none the wiser back then, as I am now.

Now that you are no longer here with us…. with me. I will say all those things I never got a chance to say.  I wish you could hear me.

I never said thank you for that

You really were one of the sweetest guys I ever knew.  You listened to me when no one else would.  You saw me when to everyone else, I was invisible.  Sometimes it wasn’t you saying the right thing, but more just being with me through all the insane, crazy moments.  I actually loved our conversations till 5 am more than anything.  I never hated you.  I disliked who you became.  I disliked what we (when we were together) had become.  We were better as friends.  I never stopped caring though.

Remember that fight we had after watching P.S. I Love You?  I wasn’t really mad that you didn’t say something sweet and sentimental like I wanted.  I was upset that you didn’t understand the hurt I was feeling inside.

Even after the break-up, the patched up friendship, the falling out, the coming together… we never stopped being friends.  I wish you understood that.  You were stronger than you though, braver than you knew, and if you really wanted to, I know you could have lasted through so much more than you give yourself credit for. 

May Angels Lead You In…

As of last night, you have gone to a better place.  I know there’s nothing I can say that will change how things ended.   You may not be here in person anymore but I know whenever you are, you are going to be in a better place.  I’ll miss all those conversations, the mindless antics, and the bittersweet memories.  Watch over all of us.  Until we meet again…

 

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