Some days it’s worse than others. Some days, the pain hits you so hard, I feel like it literally would knock me off of my feet if I would let it. The tears roll down my face and I quick swipe my hand across my cheek, concealing any remnants of the emotional distress my heart is allowing. I know I built this wall up. At this point, it’s not even a wall, it’s a tower. A tower with barbed wire strung around it at the top so whoever does dare to climb this monstrosity, will eventually be shredded and torn; leaving me to be alone again.
I miss laughing. Genuinely laughing, carefree. I miss smiling and saying dumb things out loud. I miss giggling to myself and that feeling in the pit of my stomach that sincerely meant the most to me some days. I miss cracking up over silly pointless conversations… I miss a lot of things about us but mostly, I just miss who I was.
The person who I am today has completely transformed. I miss the old me. I have my self buried knee-deep in work and I wonder if there is ever a possibility that something would ever change. Today, when I walked into work my boss asked me, “Do you like it here or is just a job?” I sat there quietly. I do love my job. I do love waking up every morning knowing I can help someone have a better life. Fixing and mending broken bones, it’s just I wish someone or something would help fix and mend my broken soul.
I sit here quietly. Replaying out our last conversations in my mind. Trying to repiece myself. Stimulate the senses. And I get nowhere. I know I don’t love you anymore. You would think I would be relieved, but I’m not. I’m more confused than anything. When did that happen? I don’t love you, I love our friendship. That’s what’s missing now. A solid friendship. I miss being able to call you up at 1 am because I can’t sleep. I miss being able to just talk to you about anything. I miss my best guy friend.
So while I was stapling charts today at work, a few minutes ago, this song came on Pandora. It made me smile and I laughed for a brief second. I remember everything about our friendship like it’s crystal clear; yet, I don’t remember a single day in our relationship that meant anything compared to our friendship. Our relationship didn’t hold a candle to our friendship. And that is exactly why I miss you… and the old me. The old me had our friendship. The new me, has a picture frame full of memories.