These Days…

Some days it’s worse than others.  Some days, the pain hits you so hard, I feel like it literally would knock me off of my feet if I would let it.  The tears roll down my face and I quick swipe my hand across my cheek, concealing any remnants of the emotional distress my heart is allowing.  I know I built this wall up.  At this point, it’s not even a wall, it’s a tower.  A tower with barbed wire strung around it at the top so whoever does dare to climb this monstrosity, will eventually be shredded and torn; leaving me to be alone again. 

I miss laughing.  Genuinely laughing, carefree.  I miss smiling and saying dumb things out loud.  I miss giggling to myself and that feeling in the pit of my stomach that sincerely meant the most to me some days.  I miss cracking up over silly pointless conversations…  I miss a lot of things about us but mostly, I just miss who I was. 

The person who I am today has completely transformed.  I miss the old me.  I have my self buried knee-deep in work and I wonder if there is ever a possibility that something would ever change.  Today, when I walked into work my boss asked me, “Do you like it here or is just a job?”  I sat there quietly.  I do love my job.  I do love waking up every morning knowing I can help someone have a better life.  Fixing and mending broken bones, it’s just I wish someone or something would help fix and mend my broken soul.

I sit here quietly.  Replaying out our last conversations in my mind.  Trying to repiece myself.  Stimulate the senses.  And I get nowhere.  I know I don’t love you anymore.  You would think I would be relieved, but I’m not.  I’m more confused than anything.  When did that happen?  I don’t love you, I love our friendship.  That’s what’s missing now.  A solid friendship.  I miss being able to call you up at 1 am because I can’t sleep.  I miss being able to just talk to you about anything.  I miss my best guy friend. 

So while I was stapling charts today at work, a few minutes ago, this song came on Pandora.  It made me smile and I laughed for a brief second.  I remember everything about our friendship like it’s crystal clear; yet, I don’t remember a single day in our relationship that meant anything compared to our friendship.  Our relationship didn’t hold a candle to our friendship.  And that is exactly why I miss you… and the old me.  The old me had our friendship.  The new me, has a picture frame full of memories.

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